Throughout this process, I am learning that you don't just wake up one morning and decide that you're going to be fit and then go sign up for a competition. It takes a long time and consistency to achieve this level of fitness.
Let's talk about that bikini I bought on Wednesday... This morning, I decided to go ahead and put it on and take my pre-competition pictures for my trainer. Marty took several shots; I did all my poses (which, by the way, I am CLUELESS about still, but I did my best) and then I had to review to see which ones I would send to her. BLAH! I immediately burst into tears.
I have my ups and downs. Most days, I feel strong and confident. I can see the progress. My clothes fit better; I'm in the same size I was the day I got married; I have muscle definition; I'm tight, I'm tone. Today, however, I know that as good as I look for a "mom of two", I am not even close to where I need to be for competition in just 5 months. It broke my heart.
Today is an emotional morning. Training is hard work. I feel that it consumes me. It breaks down my inhibitions and forces me to push aside my self-doubt. I feel embarrassed, self-conscious and nervous. Am I making a fool of myself? Are my goals obtainable?
Today's task was excrutiating! I had to take pictures of myself in a bikini and send them to someone else. For her to look at, judge, and prepare a plan to transform my body quickly. Granted, Kelly is just about the sweetest person alive and I know she'll look at the pictures and get to work to help me succeed, but still it hurts to take pictures of yourself and not feel happy with the image and then send it off to someone else so they can see those flaws too.
I'm getting ready to go run a 5K. This will give me some time to focus and regroup. I will not let those pictures beat me down. I will work harder. I can do this!