After trying on my suit, I went into complete meltdown. The meltdown lasted about two days; tears, self-doubt, misery, shock, etc. Every negative emotion imaginable...I experienced it.
The suit is gorgeous. Its perfect in every single way. The fabric is rich, the jewels are perfectly placed, its cut exactly to fit my body. So what's wrong? Its TINY. I don't mean, it doesn't fit, I mean that its TINY, like barely there; non-existent. It might as well be dental floss.
I think the reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm going to be walking on stage in front of hundreds of people and asking a panel of judges to look at my body (my body that has been through the ringer with pregnancy, weight gain and weight loss) and basically exposing myself, my journey and my hard work to all. When the reality hit, I lost my confidence. It took me about 48 hours to decide that I need to go through with this and work my butt off (literally) for the next 2 weeks to give it my absolute best on competition day. Just the thought of it still makes my stomach turn. I just can't believe I'm really going through with this. Its just all so real; so sudden; so "no turning back now".
Marty says, "no one's holding a gun to your head. If you decide you can't do this, its ok" HA! I would never forgive myself. I'm not a quitter. I'm scared shitless, but I'm not a quitter! He knew that about me, he's just trying to ease my worries.
I had my workouts with Blythe on Wednesday and Thursday. I kicked my own ass on Friday, doing HIIT today on my own, and I'll push through the next two weeks with purpose. I have to remember that this is my FIRST show. I've only really been working out hard for a year and I've only been training for the competition since February 2010. That's not a lot of time for a newbie.
I've lost almost 50lbs now; I feel incredible; I'm in the smallest size clothing I've been in since High School; my life feels amazing; my kids are seeing a healthy life style... the pros go on and on! I'm already a winner!
So here I go... I'm sure I'll have a couple more meltdowns in the next 14 days. I've just got to keep my eyes on the goal and recognize that the journey has really been the reward!
(BTW I've decided I'm not posting pictures of the suit until after competition...I feel that's anti-climatic) LOL!
Oh gosh! You look amazing and you need to understand that everyone is cheering you on. You'll do amazing and just remember that it IS your first show. I can't wait to hear how it went and to see you in a few weeks. :)
ReplyDeleteI just reread this today and it totally made my cry! That was a really hard week for me!
ReplyDelete