His death occurred just days before my birthday; What I had I hoped for was a big celebration, what happened was what I can only explain as complete turmoil and dismay as my family tried to cope with the situation and plan our father's funeral. A birthday is just a day, I realize that truth, those days in our life were not about me, nor should they have been. It was about my family's grief and inability to cope or understand with his untimely death. It would be a falsity if I were to say that my birthday will ever be the same for me. I watch my mother and brothers grieve, I feel my own guilt and my own loss, and I feel tremendously selfish to expect the people I love so much to celebrate this time/day of the year.
Last year, was hard. I tried to ignore that my birthday is Nov. 15th. I decided to pick a happy day, a day I love so much, May 1st (MAY DAY! Who doesn't love a day with flowers!?!) to celebrate me. I believe everyone should have their day. A few friends played along (Thank You, Lolly B., Kathy W. and Jennifer R.) I think people tried to understand my want to disassociate my birthday with my father's death, but the change didn't go over as well as I had hoped. It's actually a lot harder to change your birthday than you'd think!
This year, was better, my mom actually took me to dinner on Nov. 14th, which considering that was the 2 year anniversary of his death, I felt very blessed that she was able to emotionally do that. I was proud of her. I know that every day is very difficult for her, not just this week/day in November. These days specifically, I know I feel a great deal stronger about his absence, so I can only imagine how she must feel.
So here I am with my mom. She's a pretty neat lady. She's stronger than you think. She chooses to celebrate life and show that even with loss, you have to get up and put one foot in front of the other. She validated for me on Thursday, that it's ok to want to be happy on my birthday. I know it's hard for her. She and my father started a life together 33 years ago (in October), they became parents on this day 32 years ago and then she lost her partner 2 years ago. It's a sensitive time of year.
I think about my own husband and how much I love him more and more when I celebrate the birth of our children. As a wife and mother, I know what her heart feels. To mourn your life partner, but to also celebrate the child you created with that person at the same time...I'm sure feels very conflicting. I worry that she looks at me and feels more pain, but if she does, she didn't show it. She just celebrated me. Maybe my birthday will get easier for me. I don't know. I know that I'm truly grateful for the people in my life that have given me support and love.
Thank you so much for all the birthday wishes yesterday, it really meant the world to me. Tell the people in your life you love them and never take a day for granted, for each day is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
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