Being healthy isn't just about eating well and excerising. As humans, we are multi-dimensional. Health and wellness is a balance of physical health, social/emotional and cognitive development (ok, ok, I'm tapping into my Early Childhoold Professional brain). But you get the point-- health has many aspects and sometimes health doesn't have an obvious symptom or easy method of measurement.
I had to miss my 16 mile run this morning, I'm pretty sure I have strep throat and a chest cold. I was super bummed and even frustrated that I had run myself down so much that my immune system has weakened. Like I mentioned, I'm back in one of the preschools working daily with the kids and let's just call it how it is...kids are gross. They are little germ incubators and they touch everything and spread all kinds of sickies everywhere. They are a force not to be reckoned with. Get it? Kids. Are. Gross.
My system is already run down, with the marathon training, working long hours, little sleep, not the greatest diet because with all the running, I'm eating an insane volume of food and not always the best choices. I don't have a lot of wiggle room to allow my body to rest and recover. On top of that, I'm STRESSED. Not all stress is bad stress, some stress just happens because well...life is busy. However, when your body is kicked into overdrive and you're working longer hours, squeezing in workouts, managing a household and just dealing with life...the stress adds up and your mental health takes a beating.
I've always been cognizant of my mental health. I like to think that I'm pretty aware of my quirks. Trust me, I know I'm not perfect. But when I started this journey of health and fitness in 2009, I could see that as my body was changing, so was my persepective of relationships, life stressors, and daily interactions I had with people and situations around me. I've learned that I am in control of my mental health. I am in control of how I react to situations, how I interact with people and what I allow in my life. There are some stressors you cannot change. There are some things that you cannot remove from you life...because it's JUST LIFE. We can't avoid all stress, but we can certainly limit it and recognize what stressors we're stepping into.
My New Year's resolution for 2014 was to invest in relationships that invest in me. I was realizing that I was putting a lot of energy into relationships and parts of my life that brought absolutely nothing but stress back on me. It wasn't healthy. It was destructive. With that resolution, I felt immediate RELIEF. I was cutting the bullshit out. Most of it wasn't a gradual separation. It was a door slam, really. I stopped putting myself out there, stopped with the phone calls, texts, attempts of getting together with people who never initiated any sort of interest in being around me. I stopped trying to please others and fix others and when I felt that pang of "loss", as you sometimes feel when you've separated yourself from someone, I reminded myself of the feelings of disappointment, resentment and stress that the person/persons brought to my life. Sometimes when you think you miss someone, what you really miss is the "idea" of that someone...and you have to put your perspective back in check and say, "what exactly do I miss about that relationship?"
As I started investing in the relationships that invested back...well, I learned that there are some really awesome people out there. The expectations are gone. You just show up. You're present in the moment, you genuinely care and they care back. However, we all understand that world doesn't revolve around us as individuals. We know that at any given moment we'd drop whatever we are doing to be there for the other person, but we also recognize that we don't have to fix each other. To have relationships that don't rely on what you can give, only care about WHO you are...well, that's incredible. We aren't a dumping ground for one another. We don't spew out our stresses with the expectation that someone is going to help us out of it. We share and commiserate and laugh and tell each other: I'm hear to listen; let's grab a drink or go for a run or let me just sit with you because being near you makes things feel just a little bit better. I learned that there really are people out there that just want to know me. They don't need anything from me but...me. Also, they give me the greatest gifts of all and that is just their friendship, their time and their sincere thoughtfulness.
On the other side of that, when I stepped back and stopped pushing myself into relationships, there were some that really surprised me to learn just how one-sided they really were. The reaching out stopped, the calls stopped, the texts, the "hellos", the messages...everything just stopped. Except the world did stop, it just kept going and I found myself recognizing that there was an absence in my life and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I would go from anger, to resentment, to sadness. Why wasn't this person reaching out? Are they really ok that I'm not part of their life anymore? Did I believe this relationship was more than what it really was? I'm such a fool. So when you decide to stop investing in those that don't invest in you...prepare to have relationships end. It still takes my breath away to think that it's over, I get that ache in my gut, that hurt that says, "But I really loved you, why didn't you love me back?" So while it does feel good to see that there are some amazing people in your life, you have to deal with the reality that some people are ok with you not being in theirs. Maybe it isn't as clear as that. Maybe they don't know how to invest in you, maybe you pushed yourself in, maybe maybe maybe....there are so many variables, but you have to remind yourself (myself) that the relationship wasn't fullfulling needs and relationships cannot be one sided.
Last week after my 20 mile run, I was thinking about so much. I was on a runner's high. My thinking was so clear and you really do learn a lot about yourself while cranking out 20 miles. You learn you're stronger than you imagined, that when your physical strength is gone, your mental strength helps you finish and that when that's gone, your friends can help you pull through. I was thinking about my friend Susan. She was so strong. She stayed with me and really helped me those last few miles. My body ached, I wanted to give up, and I felt terrible that she was running slower so not to leave me behind. But you know, she wouldn't leave me. She stayed positive and was just "there". God, I love that woman. I can't express how much I appreciate her in my life.
It got me thinking about past relationships and I how I hoped my friendship with Susan (and several others) would never end. So of course, I start reflecting on those relationships that I was in so deep and how they ended so badly. What did I do wrong? How could I have saved the relationship or how I could I have ended it differently? It scared me. Like I said, I know my quirks. I felt that when relationships ended, specifically when I stopped investing, most didn't end quietly, they end painfully and explosively. How can I keep that from happening in the future? My husband talked with me and lovingly said, "maybe you haven't noticed, but you've got a little bit of a temper." He also pointed out, that I only feel like all my relationships end that way because it's the relationships that I put so much into that broke my heart so badly when they ended. He pointed out that often times I put myself into friendships and did what I thought I should do and what I wanted to do and that it wasn't always in sync with what that friend needed/wanted me to do and then I would get upset that they didn't appreciate what I had done. He suggested that I look at relationships and truly evaluate what that person needed/wanted from me. That I gave and gave and gave, but maybe that's not what the other person wanted or even needed. So I couldn't be upset with someone for not appreciating something they never wanted in the first place. Also, I was lumping all endings into that category and that just wasn't the case. So much to think about.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from a very upset friend. She's in a pretty unfortunate situation and it has really broken my heart; she deserves better. I hate that her life is hard right now. We hung up the phone and all I could think was that she needed a friend. I started thinking of ways that I could "fix" her situation and ways maybe I could make things better. Then I pulled myself back and thought, "this isn't mine to fix; what can I do?" The best thing I could do as a friend was just be there. So I asked her to meet me for lunch. Before we even started to talk, I just laid it out there. "I can't do anything but listen, and promise not judge or take over. I'm just here to listen and cry and let you know that whatever you choose, I'm behind you 200%" Then I listened. I just loved her and let her know that I was a "safe" place for her to express herself and that if there was something I could do, to just ask and I'd do my best.
I went back to work and of course, I thought about her the rest of the day. But I didn't do my normal tailspin of inserting myself into her problem. At the end of my work day, I was getting in my car and found beautiful roses and a card. She thanked me. She gave me the most sincere thanks I've ever received and you would have thought I had waved a magic wand and made all her problems go away. But that wasn't what she needed, she didn't need me to make her problems go away. She just needed me to be there. That's exactly what I need from my friends too! I finally felt like it made sense to me. I had a revalaton on what it means to invest in others. I felt like a had a mental break through and a deep understanding of what I wanted and needed in relationships. I felt appreciated, loved, and confident that there really are people that just love me for me.
Today, my stress is lessened just a bit. I wish I had been a little less stressed earlier in the week, maybe I wouldn't be laid up in bed right now with the sickies, but I do feel like I gained another healthy habit/life skill in recognizing how to be a better friend and appreciate the friendships that I have surrounded myself with. It makes those other moments of insecurity and self-doubt a little less daunting.
Now, off to sleep the day away and focus on some physical health :)
No comments:
Post a Comment